Went to bed at 4 in a strangers bed. woke up wearing scrubs, realized i was gonna be late for work so i just wore the same clothes as the day before... i don't have a toothbrush and im pretty sure there is leftover semen in my mouth. at some point i think i was at the beach cuz theres is sand in my underwear. i love newport already.
Same, I didn't even get to be tarzan this summer
You know it is an interesting night when the 911 operator calls you
Bryan's allergic to that cheap detergent, so he's been naked for three days. But we're all used to it now, so the party is still on.
DIBS ON THE NEW GUY.
NO. NO FUCKING YOUR COWORKERS
Do you guys think there will be a coke-for-Molly barder at bonnaroo?
I feel like a pile of chihuahua shit that got eaten by a Great Dane who puked it up and then set it on fire.
You had me at "let me see your balls"
Congrats on graduating and I'm in a cab and need someone to helps keeping me up, do you mind
Had a slight melanoma scare this morning. Spoiler alert, it was Nutella.
I'm taking a shower and i'm gonna bring my pocketknife with me
We need to borrow someone's dog. Just so we can non-creepily go to PetSmart and watch all the other dogs take photos with Santa
it wasnt that bad
you tried to climb into my fireplace while screaming TO DIAGON ALLEY! we didnt even watch harry potter. it was bad
Where are you? Where am I? Why am I so red?
Soon to be ex is nowhere to be found. Her attorney/new BF just showed up. 30 minutes late looking hungover. Pretty sure I'm getting the kids AND the house!
Randomize
