the guy working at the drive-thru just asked me if i wanna bang after he gets off work tonight.
given your current drought situation, im genuinely curious to know what your answer was
i told him maybe and gave him my number. sad? probably. but even if the sex is bad maybe i'll get a free burger out of it
Tostitos scoops are the best shotglasses ever. Eat it after as a chaser.
Note to self: when drunk try to remember that ctrl, alt and dance doesnt exist on a keyboard.
you threw up out the window, wiped your face with a twenty dollar bill, and threw that out the window too.
did we at least go back and get it?
how else do you think we got jack in the box...?
when i was alone, his dick was there for me...
The stripper had a daughter my age and offered to introduce us. I didn't know what to say to that.
never underestimate the power of walking into a bar alone in uv cat makeup.. took home a seven foot man
I don't know what I was talking about but I just threw up in ikea. You can't get out of this place it's a fucking labyrinth.
He offered to let her do a line of coke off his hard-on. She said she'd had that hard-on and it would be a bump, not a line. Everyone laughed. That's why he left.
So that answers the first question but not the second: how the fuck am I getting home?
You attract beautiful men with jobs. I attract ONE WITH A SOUL PATCH.
it was a sexy soul patch.
It was a blind-side dick pic.
I got with a bridesmaid and a server as well as put an $80 tab in rum and coke under the name Emerson Iglesias. Are you sure it wasn't my wedding?
I'm sorry I tried to stab you. I just really wanted those mozerella sticks.
Why do I know about what dicks have been in your mouth but didn't know you had a dog? What kind of friends are we??
Ahh yes. I lost my pants and swimming suit and phone charger. And I've found out who has them all even while hungover. Successful day. Nice party too.
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