Remember when you weren't going to be a shit show?
Mat is currently running around his basement "trying to catch oxygen in his mouth."
Halloween 2010: the NuvaRing girls. You're Thursday. We'll walk into the party chanting "Monday, Tuesday, Wednesday, Thursday, Friday, Saturday, Sunday, Everydaaay".
i woke up, turned over, and noticed an assortment of knives stuck in my wall. i should prob stop drinking
It was like watching Stephen Hawking try to swim.
Whoa. I woke up to 10 new text messages. All about bacon.
I feel like tequila heightens the sense of my nipples.
Sorry if I put you in that 'glad we're hanging out but I'm gonna go fuck your cousin' kind of position
Having a dry hump session to Alvin and the chipmunks surprisingly didn't kill the mood. He's that good.
Chasing shots with sriracha-covered mini toast was, in retrospect, not the best idea.
I figured it out. If I have at least 4 shots of vodka before I start my day, EVERY day will be a good day.
I have cobwebs on my vagina for halloween. And bats fly out when I open my legs.
Can't wait to bequeath this flannel to my grandchildren someday.
'I've been using this to pick up lesbians since before you were born!'
I was behind him snuggling, I told him I was the big spoon and he told me I was too little it was more like he was wearing a backpack.
I just don't think it's that outlandish to ask that I don't get messages from my husband at 8:30pm on a Wednesday telling me he peed on our cat
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