I'm so horny!
I'm so hungry
WHAT A TERRIBLE REPLY!
For your pussy...
I may have discovered that porn hub is on my top visited sites during class this morning.
Too bad it's not "confirm, ignore or not unless I've had 20+ beers"
so this chick screams out the name doug is bed..not to later do i find out doug is her vibrator
hello competition
apparently i'm really good at getting wasted, having sex all night, getting multiple hickeys and oversleeping father's day brunch. this is the third year its happened.
It's official. I am the proud owner of his very own sex tape. Amateur awesome porn or awful delete-me-now porn? Come over help me decide.
Divorce is final. Doing tequila shots at 1 in the afternoon.
You're doing a terrible job of letting me hook up with girls vicariously through you.
Due to last night I think a roommate constitution should be made. The first law will be designed to prevent any chicks below a 4 to enter the house.
I feel like if you're funneling natty lights on a Wednesday at 2:30pm at the apartment complex pool during finals week, you probably don't have your priorities straight.
And it was in that moment when I realized that these high schoolers looked up to me and that I should set a good example. So I stole a casserole and left.
I'm going to CVS to meet the Craigslist guy who is going to buy my underwear. If I don't text you within the next hour, plz assume that I have been abducted by a stranger with an underwear fetish.
Well, I guess my plans of staying around the apartment and drinking my weight in boxed wine are ruined. I have a date tonight.
I want to find him again. His Corona tank top and I were made for each other.
No, he came home, unscrewed all of the lightbulbs, and threw them in the sink.
Randomize
