she says her boyfriend and her dignity are both out of town tonight
i cant believe i hit a parked car with a pink dildo in my mouth... fuckin epic
I literally just saw a campus policeman riding a Segway pull over a moving car. you should just give up.
This is a mass text: my birthday is tomorrow, and I want a full day of birthday sex. Send me your availabities. Time slots begin at noon
i can't sleep with him. he has a scrapbook from the girl he lost his virginity to.
So i learned you can't hair-of-a-dog jaeger hangovers.
He gets creativity points for the hot sauce. But it may be awhile until my nipples forgive him
while she was riding me, she looked at me and said "this is why mom told me learning how to ride a horse would be important for my future"
I think I'm just going to go like every guy on tinder who has a jetski. I'm doing this for us, Summer is coming.
Don't take advice from me. I'm simultaneously shitting and eating cheesecake.
How many more times can I say I need to get laid before you kill me?
I'm thankful I didn't get drunk and shit my pants this year. 🦃
I woke up with a pillow, shampoo and a plant in my fridge. Eggs in the toilet, and I was wearing three pairs of girls underwear. What happened last night
He told me their parents think of me as the "drunk friend"...oddly enough, I'm ok with that
I just found my phone after looking for it since yesterday afternoon it was in the fridge.
Randomize
