i just spent the last half hour thinking about my totally irrational and intense hatred of wedge flip flops.
It's impossible to flirt with the bank tellers because they see how broke I am.
we can't become the bulimic house in the complex dude. Besides, you need teeth for your career.
What's the protocol on showing a video of me sucking the life out of my ex in order to prove beyond a doubt that I give great head???
Send me the picture of my mugshot, my boss got arrested last night and I'm trying to make her feel better.
I ate you ate to the whole david gray album
Nothing like waking up naked and alone on your floor to remind you that you make life mistakes often.
The only way that night could have gotten any better would be if a unicorn would descend from the heavens with a nacho bell grande in a bag around its horn beat boxing Hakunah Matata.
I have my vibrator between my thighs and I'm listening to high school musical. That kind of high. We're all in this together.
When someone's woman crush wednesday is an ultrasound of her unborn daughter...
I can't
THE CEO RESPONDED TO THE MEMO WITH HIS "UNICORN" EMAIL ADDRESS AND NOW HE'S APOLOGIZING TO EVERYONE FOR USING HIS PERSONAL EMAIL AT WORK.
the bartender goes "wow its so good to see you sober" and gives me a hug
He is a beautiful butterfly covered in tattoos and naked.
Will you still call me Bond when I'm sober?
The sex would be better if it wasn’t interrupted because his home detention ankle monitor needed charging. At least I know he’s not cheating on me
Do you even hear yourself?
Randomize
