Latest life lesson : don't accidentally send an "I nutted on her tramp stamp" text to your tattoo-less girlfriend. Oops.
Even my Russian and Serbian roommates think I drink to much.
And then I interrupted the father of the groom, to ask if she was "ballet or pole" in the middle of his story about his niece, the dancer.
Dorm room. In. Elevator. Fell in. Boom. Puke
I can't believe you just became a stipulation in their divorce papers.
I need someone to meet me at the end of the road and throw captain morgan at my face like they do with water at marathons
He brought a jar of pickles to the party. So now I've had beer, animal crackers, AND a pickle since noon.
just saw sorostitutes streaking near the university president's house. thank you tequila day
yeah...that's gonna come up in court
Oh yeah, found out i got it from my boyfriend's wife. Thanks though.
Her four year old daughter walked up to me grabbed my junk and said "this will be in mommy later." Wtf?
What type of bandaid should I use on my clit
So I stole cocaine from one of my Tinder hookups
And that is the most millennial sentence I've ever said
Nothing like being naked and confused and clutching a scented candle...at least I woke up in my own bed though.
its a recording of you guys having sex?!
its actually 30 minutes of him begging and then 2 minutes of sex.
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