I will come over but only if I don't have to take my sunglasses off for it
Eating meat and looking at porn while roommate is at church for Ash Wednesday. Win.
He said he had to make up a lie of why he couldnt sleep with her. It must really suck to have a sunburned dick.
literally. a puddle of blood. on the floor. still searching for the source
He called the drink "The Annexation of Puerto Rico". He wouldn't tell us whats in it but said that we should all fear for our lives. Let's do this.
DON'T LET IAN EAT HIS PEANUT BUTTER!!!
Just remembered that I poured a whole bottle of tylenol in there. It's chunky. It's deadly.
Hey everyone. This evenings celebration will commence with a cocktail hour at genghis at 830 to be followed with an upscale dining experience at taco bell at 10. All are welcome. This is not a joke. Thank you
Was she always missing a tooth or am I just now noticing it?
those were not strange pants with a really large waist band...it took me 3 days to realize I was wearing someone's sweater as pants
When I took off my jeans he became more excited about my Elmo underwear than sex but to be fair, who can blame him. They're awesome undies.
I spent the last 6 months operating under the assumption that I HADNT fucked a paramedic. I was wrong.
My gynecologist just said "don't worry, this won't be as hard as…well…" A FUCKING SEX JOKE NO
I just want a simple guy who likes cats, tattoos, and doing coke off my tits.
You were laying next to me in bed at 4:30 a.m. I asked if you were drunk and you said you weren't drunk you were buzzed like a bumblebee. Then kept rambling on about having to call out of work.
I'm gonna have to start putting baby wipes and a change of pants in my bag. The amount of times I'm scared of shitting my pants in public is too high and I need the reassurance
Randomize
