Those strippers last night smelled great. It was the perfect mixture of vanilla and daddy issues.
that shirt you're wearing that says "officially single" makes me think you'll be that way for a really long fucking time.
I have taken lazynest to a new level. I took a picture of the notes on the board instead of writing them. I win.
For the amount I put out, I should be going on way more dates.
The horrors my penis has endured I wouldn't wish upon any man.
Boy did I ever crash and burn on the pickled egg pick up line.
Just successfully went through airport security with shrooms. It's gonna be a fucking awesome new years
It's Friday the 13th and you just got boned by a guy named Jason....
I told her I was going to sleep early last night. I probably should not have sent that snapchat of us playing beer pong.
If you saw or spoke to me yesterday can you message me. Trying to make a timeline of the day I was too drunk to remember
We took a walk on the beach after the bar, he held my hand and kissed me. And then I peed under a lifeguard stand. It was so romantic.
I don't want to just break his heart, I want to dip it in liquid nitrogen and then smash it until it's powder and snort the powder
You can’t homewreck what the Lord hath brought together.
at the hospital. Kevin drank straight from the river
I've started recycling nudes. Why should I take new pictures for every single man?
Randomize
