Dude, you need to talk to your mom
wtf?
She just called and asked if i would be part of the intervention she's planning for you
Singing into hair straightener during spice girls....sooo dangerous
can't wait for January to be Over so I don't have to see all the fat resolutionists working out.
It was literally the size of a half eaten tic tac.
My motherly instincts are overcoming my slutty ones
Aside from the fact that there's a penis in my mouth, that's a pretty good picture of me
Friends don't let friends drunk sleep in the dorm common room
It's always a good night until the penis tattoo makes an appearance
I wore a bathing suit downtown so I didn't have to put on underwear, I obviously don't have my shit together
I found one of those wine glass confetti bits in my ass crack.
I don't like pregnant me. I eat very large burritos, I don't like having sex and I can't even finish a Blue Moon.
In honor of the new administration, I'm going to make it my goal this weekend to get some lesbian action. Fuck Donald Trump and fuck Mike Pence. I'm going to be a spiteful gay.
I'm eating cookie dough with a tongue depressor for lunch.
I can appreciate that you picked up the hot drummer, but don’t have sex in front of my house lmao
So I'm buying milk, bread, yogurt & lube. Not awkward at all
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