Hows this for an invention: a toilet that weighs your poop
HOLY SHIT! Did you see the dick on that Great White Shark?!?!?!
He just said "I made some changes in my life. The male g-spot is in the rectum and I wanted to explore that."
I still can't believe I found a dildo in my ceiling today.
She counted 5,6,7,8 then intentionally kneed herself in the eye numerous times.
I took his sheets with my when I left seeing that I underestimated my period. Also grabbed a 6-pack out of the fridge because breakfast is the most important meal of the day & I don't do other peoples laundry for free.
I love our strategizing... I wish we used the same passion for planning our lives and future that we use for planning our drunken escapades... We would both be doctors by now, I swear
Well tech shes born nov 12, but since her head was out on the 11th, she claims both days as her birthday
The guy I brought home last night made a speedy escape while I was in the bathroom. The only trace I found of his flight was a lone sock on the stairs.... It was like a whorey low budget Cinderella
Lmfao a voicemail screaming about you partying with your tits out and a text at 3 am saying you went too crazy... this should be a good one
No worries I have vodka. Its always on time
I don't remember how I broke my nose last night, but I woke up with dried blood everywhere. Also, you should tell that guy how you feel.
If I ever go to jail it will be because of you, I can feel it.
Can I just lay in bed and you pour vodka through a funnel in my mouth?
Leave it to my mom and I to turn the hearing into a drinking game.
Randomize
