Do you think "I had sex with my co-worker last night I don't think I can come in today" is a good excuse?
I am NOT getting arrested in a batman mask
I'm lit.While shaving my legs I pretended the razor was a tractor cutting down corn. Noises included.
I think I could pass a breathalyzer. But with like a C.
I probably should have cut it off when he started putting queso on my nipples, but within ten minutes I was a self-serve burrito bar.
It was just a squirrel
You act like its normal to see a squirrel in the bar
I just opened a bottle of wine with a shoe and a tube of mascara. Get on my level
I just saw her shopping list. The only things on it are blackberries, hot fudge and condoms. I almost don't wanna know. Almost.
I miss your penis. I'm telling you this as a friend, like its just a really great penis. You should be proud of it.
If my mom walks in on me masturbating one more time I'm moving out
You'd think the first few times would have been enough
I'm so busy i barely have time to have sex with myself. I have to talk myself into it like an old married couple.
So doing the math I dated almost 2 of me in penises. Like, if I you layed them out lengthwise it would be 2 times my height.
It's true. There would need to be A LOT of data collection. Aka, dick-catching. I volunteer as tribute.
You gotta do what you gotta do. Like how I gotta drive in the rain to go get chicken nuggets. I just gotta.
You took off your shirt and pulled out a bottle of cherry uv and a slushee. That's when I knew you came to party
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