feel weird hangin out with you now that i've eaten your sister out
Well. Nothing came of that. And to think I manscaped and dusted with gold bond.
Just saw a bouncer shoot a stripper with a squirt gun. He looked at me n said,"gotta keep em in check." I'm in love with this place
I'm not sure what happened last night, but my turtle seems afraid of me.
Bring more bourbon. Day drunk just hit another level.
Under someone's bed. Not sure whose. I think they're sleeping in it.
I feel like you just railed me after that sext
You'd think the neighbors would be used to grown men coming into my house drunk at 230 am.
There was a time I was reining queen of Sunday funday... And at that same time I also weighed 20 pounds more, had the morale of a spearmint rhino stripper, and woke up most mornings asking more questions than fucking Barbara Walters. I think I just wrote my own epitaph.
He thought he was ordering for the whole party so when he came back with thirty burritos and four of us were left, he wasn't happy
Just got stuck in an elevator on campus with a ton of British guys. My pants almost pulled themselves down.
I am sorry. I am also on acid.
Im shooting goldshlager and waxing my crotch
My boyfriend told me that I said I wanted to "feast on her vagina"... Glad I don't remember.
Just passed a girl holding a jar filled with what appeared to be diarrhea
Randomize
