dude you need to get laid
me?
no, the other guy who hasn't been laid in 7 months
oh I thought you were talkin about me
wait
i just rode the bull and i see vomit in my future.
I got a call from 999 999 9999. I didn't answer it because I was too busy freaking out about the number.
It was probably Jesus.
I feel like he would have left a message.
At this point, I would light birthday candles in my vagina for free drinks
I just tried to put my feet in my slippers and found cans of beer in them. Christmas in fucking july.
I don't know what's more pathetic, the fact that you dated him or the fact that it took a Taylor Swift song for you to break up with him.
Getting drunk now, but later remind me to tell you how to crash an 8th grade grad party.
I DON'T CARE LET'S GET DRUNK AND GO. I STRAIGHTENED MY HAIR DO THIS FOR ME.
The worst thing about it is now I have to find someone else to fuck in the library.
We are a team. I lure them in with my tits, feed them enough alcohol to consider homosexuality, and hand them off to you.
You're the best wingman ever.
I was carrying around a bottle of Jameson yelling rescue me
So much easier to puke and rally now that my gluten's under control
we are the apple cider girls!
He sent a video of him jacking off....class will be awkward tomorrow
Actually going to jail after your wedding is NOT part of the plan.
Teach me the ways of your demonic sorcery.
Randomize
