What happened last night?
You soiled yourself again and told everybody that you'd given birth.
the women in the ladies room did not appreciate my innovation of turning a sink into a urinal
On this egg donor form, it asks "In the past 5 years, have you had sex for drugs or money?" It only gives a yes or no option and no place to explain myself. What do I do?
Nothing like studying in the College of Communication to make you realize how smart you are.
WHATEVER CLASS IS PLAYING "TOOT IT AND BOOT IT" AT 8:30 IN THE MORNING, I WANT IN.
remind me to get a blood sugar test this week. I'm pretty sure I'm a mojito away from diabetes.
He made me this shot called the allergen. It was a shot of vodka with a Claritin dropped in it.
Not sure how a movie about Jesus has managed to make me feel insecure about my boobs but it has.
If I don't get my shit together, I'm going to be one of those really fucked up cases on 1000 ways to die
what better way to celebrate the birth of jesus christ than to get embarrassingly intoxicated and make poor decisions!?
lets start a news segment called WHY IS LEOS CROTCH BURNING TODAY
I did stay at work til 5 but for the last hour I was just taking naked pics on my desk for some tinder guy
god i just can't wait for finals to end so i can just masturbate all day and night
You hit your head and proceeded to fall in the floor, curl up in my lap and make me rock you like a small infant. I was beginning to worry until you started to sing "Rock me momma like a wagon wheel".
just stepped out my front door and let the wind dry my naked body because I was too lazy to go search for a clean towel that may not even exist. I could live like this forever
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