Having sex with the stobe light on was the best bad idea I've ever had.
When they saw it was the 7th inning of the baseball game one took off running for the beer stand while his friend is yelling "BUY THE KEG"!
i just remember sitting on this bed, naked, STILL WITH A CONDOM ON, and suddenly these random girls were in the room shouting at me
When you accidentally type "I want Prince William to fuck me in the ass" to your mom there's really no way to take that back.
i got two bottles of merlot and sorrows to drown, you in??
They sat me on college avenue with a puke bucket and people were mistakenly throwing change in it. Got me enough money take a cab back to my apartment.
Ahh you know it's going to be a long day when you mistake a beer for a sprite at 10:30 in the morning while babysitting
You kept asking the bartender if you could "buy a dollar".
We won 11 games of beer pong, and then I spent a half hour trying to get into the top bunk. Then i realized it was a cabinet in the bathroom
But you're the one who should be jamming foreign objects into my vaj instead of an old weird lady. I mean, it is your birthday....
A conundrum I think only you would understand: how to classily post "I need a ride to the liquor store" on one's Facebook wall?
PS my house is a mess.
pps I have a rash on my face.
The only thing left on my Bucket List is getting fingered at an aquarium.
You need to somehow incorporate the phrase "these hoes ain't loyal" into your best man speech.
I swear to the sweet baby jesus I didn't fill your freezer with salsa and my little pony toys, but I didn't stop them either.
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