Dude she has a bf and shes on lockdown more than Nelson Mandela in 95
I like to use the word "seasoned" over "slutty", you know, like a good curly fry
I mean, it really isn't YOUR car until you have sex in it.
just took my birth control pill with a shamrock shake. happy st. patrick's day
Seriously just heard: "we need some good ass wine. how bout this swa-vig-non blank"
hahahaha. Oh virginia: where the south begins
because whats more american than sleeping with a westpoint cadet on the 4th of july?
Pre warning. Your not gonna sleep tonight cuz I'm staying with your roommate. Thanks for breaking up with me.
Whatever you gave me is making me lactate
You know, last years football game was epic, but seeing the same girl that gave you a bj in the parking lot, in the same parking spot...that's fate.
No memories of receiving this. Or of getting home. Or of apparently developing a taste for marmalade, which I assume is yours because I have literally never eaten it before. It's all over the kitchen. And my phone. And in my hair. Oh god I wish I wasn't on the train to work. X And sorry about the kitchen x
I just took the kind of shit that makes your eyes well up with tears as you feel it moving inside of you... So cleansing.
As your only female friend, I feel the need to inform you that texts like these are why she dumped you.
It's a sad day when you can't take off your pants and drink a margarita at work.
too bad I'd hit a car before I'd hit a bush.
Are we talking about jumping from windows or your willingness to fuck a car instead of a woman?
Would it be inappropriate to send a friend request to the sheriff that fingerprinted me last night???
I just puked in a chili’s bathroom... happy birthday to me
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