The human being growing inside of her was a mistake. Lets just hope the boyfriend isn't.
how's this sound. You, me a box of pink franzia and a night full of possibilities in your basemen. I'll be me. You be you. And we'll see where it goes
You asked the dj to play 'who let the dogs out" because it was your birthday. You left the bar and then re-entered to the song
I just watched 2 blind guys walk into each other head on in providence. It pays to pregame in your car.
He just said he was the Jesus of alcoholics.
Actually I think I might be dying right now so if I do you have to drink all my vodka
You're so demanding.
I've decided I'm gonna attack people with the toilet plunger.
Putting a breathalyzer in a bar is a horrible idea. But I won
So last night I taught an old homeless dude to respond to "Blue" so I could shout your my boy Blue at the party
sorry I blacked out our whole relationship
It is such a beautiful day to not be arrested
I wouldn't be able to live with myself if I blew a Trump supporter.
i'm extremely hungover on the ski bus and the driver is playing abba. this. is. not. okay.
we need to open a bar. a bar with... wait for it... A FUCKING BALL PIT.
LOL. Do you guys need a ride home?
No. we're home already. i just thought it was a brilliant fucking idea.
Everybody at Lexi's party found out I'm both a screamer and a moaner after he ate me out on the pool table downstairs. Just another sunday night in Alaska
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