South Carolina's governor once cited "moral legitimacy" when he was a congressman voting for President Bill Clinton's impeachment. Karma is a bitch.
Dude you just tried to have a one night stand with my ex girlfriend while we were trying to put you to bed upstairs.
but that still doesn't explain how i woke up on the couch down stairs.
I took an adderall but just ended up meticulously arranging my farmville for hours
I lost control in the snow and hit a parked car. I went into our building to get a pen and paper to leave a note and when I came back the car was gone and there was a hot girl there. I used the pen and paper to get her number.
He plays me like an instrument...he is the Carlos Santana of my vagina.
Dear God. I kissed a man tonight who was born in 1936.
Goldfish can't live in a bowl filled with tequila, lesson learned.
I just got my inseam measured in raffle tickets by a drag queen. Being fondled for charity is awesome.
I passed out in all my clothes. like my purse too..and with a cup of water next to me..and my last tweet last night was "Bye."
A little, yeah. We were stealing firewood from the neighbors (drunk), and figured it would be 10 times harder to be angry with us if we got caught if we were naked, and 100% more hilarious.
Things I have learnt this week: bubble mix is toxic. Extremely toxic.
I feel like I don't show you my boobs enough. And you deserve to see them like all the time
I'm gonna cum garlic butter
Nope. Im a prince of the americas. I treat my women like future queens. Also, im drunk watching the royal wedding
I would have wore underwear last night if I knew I had to change a tire this morning
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