It's not just about fucking anymore... We decided we're actually in like now..
how do i say, "my ex is going to be at this party so don't look like shit" without sounding like a bitch?
Dude, I'm importing a boy from Oklahoma for my divorce party. It's like doctors without borders, but with dicks.
he drunk texted me to give me his number with the message "i gotchu pretty eyeso" i can't tell if he's complimenting me or himself.
I thought it went well, but he just sent me a video of me sucking an icicle on the fire escape of his building with the caption "The ice got more than I did." Somehow I feel like I owe him a blowjob.
That's the saddest description of touching yourself I've heard since someone said "I was just lazily rubbing my clitoris while eating Cheetos alone"
I just had the weirdest moment. Made eye contact at the bar with a girl who has seen my vagina.
Who shows up to work two weeks ago still drunk and freshly high on blow and gets a promotion and a raise? This girl. Good at business. Super good at being fucked up.
Apparently drinking in your car before going into a sales meeting is frowned upon. We are car sales men not doctors.
I tried to twerk on a barn in 3 inch heels at a party last night and nose dived into mud. These were all new friends. I'm probably not allowed back. Cool.
Someone came into our hotel room and took our remote
What should I do?
Because I'm currently dying, lacking waffles, and vaguely convinced I'm an eagle
If I walk downstairs and Kelly is fucking in the laundry room again I'm gonna die
You fell while talking to a cop, then proceeded to acuse him of tripping you... he was arresting you for public intox.
Can you confirm that you aren't dead?
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