I misunderstood what a threesome is. Please come pick me up.
Just spent the last of my lifesavings on (what i hope is enough of) alcohol. Hello summer.
omg theres cum all over the american flag and now its up in front of his house.
Some rando is vomiting profusely into the garden outside the employee entrance. Where are you when things like this happen to me?
Vomiting outside the employee entrance
I am day drunk. Get ready to see my dick.
My brain is like scrambled eggs. If scrambled eggs were trying to escape out of my skull through my forehead.
Based on the fact my iPad is covered in pizza, I'm going to assume I ate pizza last night
Terrible hangover + phoenix airport + pizza hut....I think I might have entered one of the levels of hell.
I like how our relationship transcends the borders of inappropriateness and encompasses all the colors of the inappropriate rainbow.
I got my eyebrow ring humped out. How is that even possible?
My mind doesn't wanna day drink but my heart does.
Sex in a tree, bucket list CHECK!
I hope every time you eat hashbrowns you think about me, the awesome sex we had and how great we could have been.
Fun fact: nipples work on touch screens. Tell your friends :)
How was your weekend?
My girlfriend decided the best way to get my mind off of my dog dying was to break up with me via text
Randomize
