Leaving terminator. dude in front of us leaving was wearing a baggy micael vick jersey, cargo shorts and brown crocs. God I hate people.
hey did i steal that bike before or after the ball dropped, casue i might have broken my resolution already
So I've gone into the break room to heat up a styrofoam cup 8 times over the course of 4 hours.. that desperate to see him. Now I have a broken heart AND cancer.
please bring me a paper towel asap.
I was drinking wine in bed and spilt some on my chest.. And I cautiously guided it into my belly button but now I dont know what to do.
My liver and I thought we knew what we signed up for. We were wrong.
Do you think county jail has a Groupon?
She just took a mirror selfie at the hospital while in labor.
Idk dude but he said something bout his "dick was gonna be so tan" then he jus jumped out of the car
Diet Starts Tomorrow! Guy from McDonalds asked if I got a new car...
The typical response to someone smacking their vodka soaked hand on your face is not to put your face in their crotch
I'm at the point where I'm more upset that he got to keep my bottle of Fireball than that he stopped talking to me with no explanation
Apparently at some point last night someone gave me tequila. There was a few shots left when I woke up so that was breakfast. This is a good birthday
I'm drinking coffee out of a pasta sauce jar and eating fruit soaked in Smirnoff. I think I've hit rock bottom.
Once you've had an oral std scare, you're an expert.
No I'm not high but I did cry for over an hour tonight because I realized that they never made a sequel to "Under the Tuscan Sun" with Diane Lane.
Randomize
