Where the fuck is Rob at, he hasnt answered his phone in like 2 weeks.
Dude Rob died 2 weeks ago wtf?
Holy shit r u serious? How?
Just kidding, but im pretty sure he boned your gf and doesnt want to talk to you.
When I'm drunk i like to pretend my penis is zeus and instead of peeing i'm throwing lightning bolts into the toilet...it helps me focus.
Fun fact: Antibacterial soap will not take the combined smell of bbq sauce and vagina off your hands.
The online application for Mcdonald's said I could do incredible things there. Today I threw out shit filled underwear in the women's restroom and escorted a very drunk/high 42 year old man outside after he ordered a 5 dollar foot long and a bloody mary.
I hit a bug from across the room with my flip flop boomerang style. That awesome.
I just put up a picture on my dorm room wall of that ginger you hooked up with to remind myself that everyone makes mistakes
I'd bet your vomit would be flammable at this point. Can I try to light it?
We wouldn't be friends if you didn't.
She sucks. And I almost hooked up with a clown last night
Some girl just walked passed me, said "fuck yeah!" and is now crawling up the stairs
I just gave her a sobriety test in the middle of the baking aisle.
And the results, officer?
She's fucked.
He stopped his car in the middle of ongoing traffic to ask me to marry him. Then he got pulled over. Yeah I'd say the slutty Dallas Cowboys costume was a success.
Your hotness may or may not have landed him in jail.
I had the hottest doctor assess me at the hospital. He smelled like heaven and sex.
If I had any lingering questions about my sexuality, the strip club tonight verified I'm 100% gay
Dad danced on top of the bar with me last night. And has a video of me doing a beer bong.
never have sex with a mint flavored condom on. my vagina is on fire.
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