i fell asleep last night with fifteen animal crackers in my mouth. rock bottom dude.
I got a call from 999 999 9999. I didn't answer it because I was too busy freaking out about the number.
It was probably Jesus.
I feel like he would have left a message.
tonights recap: old cokehead freind proposed in the middle of a country bar to his trash girlfriend, saw ex-fuck who now has star shaved into his head and another with his gf, and ex-bfs best friends crackin jokes about who would fuck me first. NEVER COMING HOME AGAIN
It was awkward until we both realized our obsessions with harry potter and sangrias were the same. Now were in love.
You need tk get a life and stop texting me about fictional characters. I don't give a shit.
airport. 106 proof japanese liquor. 4 little travel size containers. im proud to be smarter than the average american.
He told everyone he was freezing their keys so they couldn't drive drunk. When I opened the freezer this morning, my keys were at the bottom of an unfrozen ice cream tub of vodka.
We're the only two others left at work. My internal monologue is going: TAKE ME. TAKE ME NOWW. ON THE COUNTER. IN FRONT OF THE MANAGER. JUST TAKE MEEE
Yeah I said my new jacket was waterproof, not puke through your nose proof.
I'm giving great sideboob & it's being wasted on my parents.
Seriously? A BAR is SPONSORING my 21... What did you do for your 21 again??
It feels like a bunch of leprechauns are using my brain as a soccer ball
I just found out two girls I dated met each other, bonded over how much they hate me, started dating and are gonna get married soon.
Before getting out of the car, she said "Thanks for getting me off." I like how polite she is.
He just kept pissing on the couch as we were yelling at him while he repeatedly told us "its going to be okay".
It is getting ridiculous, the elaborateness of the schemes I have to concoct so my suitemates don't know I'm pooping.
Randomize
