Apparently I look legit enough, cause the 3 bums next to me just got kicked awake by cops, and I was allowed to stay sitting here. That's a plus, right?
we were having sex and the sweat made her make up run... seriously laid there and watched her face just melt into ugly.
I crashed her parents' car cause she was giving me road head. Its probably best to just let them think I'm a bad driver.
Ok, but If I make this happen, my first born son gets to fuck your first born daughter
He cut you off when you said Paula Dean was in your soul...He kicked you out when "Paula" started eating random peoples food
It's the eternal vodka... it never seems to go away
Now that I'm born again, I'm preserving my gift.
Your vagina isn't a White Elephant gift. You can't re-wrap it after it's already been given several times. That's white trash thinking.
I told my doctor about us having twin chlamydia
I'm just checking to make sure you don't want to go to the farmers market... This is an assumption based on the fact that you were slapped with a sandwich last night and you remained unconscious.
I don't know man, I woke up and shes here acting like she knows me, wearing my clothes, and scrambling eggs in my kitchen. I don't know her.
You were drinking with me last night, I warned you.
I am about five seconds from ripping off my clothes and throwing myself into the ocean to become a mermaid
chipped my right front tooth on a toilette. i figure if i keep drinking i won't care for at least 2 days
oh he pulled my dick out. wanna come over after he leaves
GET OFF YOUR PHONE
This is getting exciting. I almost wanna turn off all the lights, get some popcorn, and stare at my phone screen to see if she's going to say yes or not
And on a much sadder note, I'm way to drunk for this right now
I need to take my iPad to the Apple store (when this is all over). Do I need to delete all my dick pics/videos or are they used to stumbling across that sort of thing?
Randomize
