In all seriousness though I just found out the dog pissed in my bed it'd be nice to crash somewhere other than my couch while my piss soaked bedding is in the washer
There's a dildo in the cheerios box here...
I bet the first cavemant to make fire got so much pussy
I woke up on a futon with 2 stolen budwiesers in my purse, 5 extra bucks, a sucker stuck to my shoe, one sock, and a stolen copy of the zombie survival guide
please tell me this is not legit
I wish there was a non slutty way to ask the guys across the hall if i can copy their men's bathroom key so I have one for my one night stands
I'd appreciated it if you didn't lick my boyfriends face again. I'm askin nicely. Thank you.
I feel like you guys are talking about real things and have real problems and I'm just over here like 'should I take muscle relaxers or get drunk tonight?'
The rest of the concert I just stared at the lights and didn't really listen to the music cuz I was trying to make sure my brain still worked cuz my face was numb and I couldn't move... Yeah I'm not a weed brownie person
It's 4 am here and I just vomited myself awake....Not rising OR shining any time soon
I'M GOING TO FUCK AN ENTIRE ORCHESTRA AND NOTHING CAN STOP ME
The band club does not count as an orchestra
Doug the spinning teacher gave me chlyamdia
How dare you not respond to me after opening up a picture of my bare breasts
I found your birth control, it was in your Crown Royal bag.
Two days ago a random guy asked me to sign his forehead 'cause he wanted to have the name of the prettiest girl in the bar on him and never wash it. I just saw him and my signature still there...
I was just in the bathroom and some guy yelled all hail the king... i cant go anywhere without getting recognized anymore.
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