someone, somewhere in austin has to have a muppet
She needs to learn what's it like to have sex with someone and regret it the next day.
so i just drove past a racoon and a kid on a long board... god i love 4am white castle runs
What baked good do you think says thanks for being a great tutor, lets bang?
And all I wanted you to do is stand there and sing who let the dogs out.
Dude in front of me just jumped out of line at Starbucks to go puke. Vegas in prime form.
I realize it truly is impossible to burrow under the grass like a mole. Let's not drink for at least another 3 days.
Walk of shame dressed as a Christmas tree, it happened. Ho ho ho bitches
I threw up in my closet when I was hammered last night. Like a fucking toddler. I can't play with the grow ups.
So it's safe to say that it's all down hill from here
Do you mean easy livin or downward spiral of alcoholism and disappointment
she asked me to come back to her house where "hopefully her kids were asleep". that my friend is what i call a dealbreaker
I didn't know what to say so I just sent him a chicken emoji
No matter how many miles separate us, I will always be here to get you through whiskey shots.
skyped with him for 45 min in the bath while i shaved my legs. new level in the relashionship
I always feel bad for the sober driver... Never been me but I feel bad... empathetic AF
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