Cold hands, warm shart.
It's amazing how much jurassic park has contributed to my life recently
its like my vagina has this homing beacon out to all the guys saying "come find me, i havent been shaved in weeks"
I dont think he stole the pillow. I mean if he wanted a souvenir, my thong was on the nightstand.
I left two shots of jager for you guys when you wake up from your death. Do with it as you wish
Saturday dinner is funfetti cake and merlot. Singlehood has come to this.
He crawled over to me grabbed my boob asked me if I liked cats and then passed out. If that's really my RA, it's gonna be a long year
Please say a prayer for the elevator people at work today. My farts are significantly more potent the day after hitting that korean place for lunch...
Your shoe was in the washing machine. I have it in my pocket. My phone rang before and I answered your shoe. Meet me at the bar in 10.
Wait is this black Chris #1, cocaine Chris, or gay Chris?
No this is saxophone Chris
You screamed "i promise ill stop blowing your brother" in the middle of a packed restaurant at 1pm. We should maybe rethink our relationship.
The important thing is that she is gone, presumably back to the depths of hell from whence she came.
This is not the first time I've recognized my body is subconsciously trying to make pizza.
I am a bad person
You slept with him. Was it good?
I wasnt going to but I was too lazy to blow up the air mattress
What the hell kind of sad excuse for a bottom are you
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