WHO ATE OUR COOKIES WHAT THE FUCK THOSE WERE GOURMET
Just found my car keys in your throw-up.
She made me go down the fire escape when her mom came for breakfast.
Hey since its national brother week is that eiffel tower option with your girlfriend still on the table?
After we were finished she said "That was like marriage sex". Should I take that as a compliment or insult?
You know how most people would take your keys when they don't want you to leave a party? Those 2 girls aren't most people. They took my pants instead.
i wondered why i had so many splinters in my hand, then i went out to my car and remembered id stolen an entire cactus
You slammed your face into the toilet and declared you were moving your bed into the bathroom in the morning. Also, you insisted on crawling everywhere because feet are "overrated."
Is it counter productive to ride on my exercise bike with a cocktail in hand?
"Where are you? Where are my keys? What is this guys name again? Why am I wearing two pairs of your pants?"
You took a selfie with my hard dick and sent it to Scott with the caption 'Toldja'. It was hard to forget you're a teenager after that
They made me leave the maternity ward, how do I get back in?
He's just been a dick since he set his face on fire. I just wanted to eat a fucking hot dog.
I mean, I let him sleep with me after we both ate taco bell sober... That's kinda like love, right?
Best single mom victory - getting eaten out in my dodge caravan in the hospital parkade at midnight.Three words: screaming multiple orgasms.
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