You don't have asthma, your pregnant
the cop asked for your social security number and you gave her your high school locker combo
he said he "kind of had sex before.. Barely" i think it was one of those situations where you slide into home and get tagged out.
Mistake of the day: loudly discussing my gay hookups on the phone at the dmv in upstate NY... this must be what leprosy feels like
She said, "awww, you're so sweet" after I started putting on a condom. How many STDs have I just contracted?
there's no way I could forget finding someone else's hand in my pants
I just put fruit snacks in my sangria instead of real fruit. Its like freshman year all over again..
We couldn't afford sangria freshman year. We're lucky we had fruit snacks..
Just thought you should know, Im with josh now. Im no longer available for rent. I have a full time tenant now. Like, a year long lease at least.
I fucked some frat guy. Then I found my brother after and made him take his shirt off and then I made him tell me he loves me
We were just getting out tux's at men's warehouse he pulled both of the fitting room girls. I dont think he should be getting married
What am I even going to do with 20 more jello shots? And don't say give them to the cat
Literally the fucking master of salvaging the possibility of a blow job whilst also crushing somebody's dreams.
I knew it was you who came home last night because no one else would walk in at 3 am and start microwaving a burrito
I mean, I already saw his dick in person and wasn't impressed so why is he sending me a picture of it, anyway? I hate re-runs!
you told us the chicken was mocking you, then proceeded to explain that every time someone reads your mind you accidentally think of something sexual
Randomize
