when I forget a girls name in bed I ask her her middle name then tell her i'm gonna call her that from now on
this episode of spongebob makes me wish crabby patties were real
i knew he was a douchebag when his facebook activities were "ladeis," and "gettin crunk wit ladeis"
So Ryan had to wash the dishes. His solution: take a shower with them. I'm never eating at his house again.
He had to carry me to the car. But then sat with me and waited for me to sober up enough to have sex. He's a keeper.
Apparently he took me home and I pulled up my senior pictures on fbook and made him guess what I was thinking during each different pose.
Apparently im getting a reputation for how i mix drinks. Im the midas of booze. Everything i touch turns to koolaid.
Can I just say that you're probably one of my favorite people to have sex with and then eat hummus with at 3:45am?
He spent like 5 minutes figuring out how best to position me so I would still be able to watch the game. Maybe there is a benefit to dating a guy who cares about me but doesn't care about my team.
Pretty sure this is the part where you go buy a ring.
Have you ever come so hard that right after you have the urge to yell "make me a sandwich!"? ...I think my ovaries turned into testicles.
Currently playing charity bingo with coworkers so if u were ever gonna send a dick pic now is the time
Fuck that guy and his dumb haircut and awesome dick
I have bruises all over my legs. Did I hit a car with my bike last night?
While he was going down town Julie brown, I was eating French fries. True Love
Why is there a business card for people who need bail bonds in my wallet...
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