how could I be having a bad time, I have the three most important things in life: Goat cheese, Xanax, and Saved By the Bell Re-runs.
It was like a Michael Bay sized explosion located in my pussy.
so i woke up this morning covered in mail. none of it is mine.
apparently we spent 30 minutes inside that big Nike store turning all of their Duke gear inside out. for some reason the employees didn't stop us.
Tell him I'm the girl who was excited he spoke English. Then ask him where he picked me up from.
On a lighter note, my mom and I were playing scattergories, and for "things that you keep hidden" we both put dildo. Proof that we really are related.
i'm going as a slutty football player, and all night i'll drunkily whisper "id love to catch your balls." into random strangers ears.
I'm already too high to be publicly presentable. I just looked at myself in the mirror without my sunglasses. Debated contacts. Said aloud "But I'm nothing without my sunglasses."
Obviously. I'm here to let you eat things off my boobs and help you get laid.
Amazon.com "suggested" I buy both nipple clamps and opera gloves.
I just imagined myself as R2-D2 and you as C3P0 walking around the Vegas desert looking for alcohol
Both guys that I'm dating were waiting for me in the parking lot after work. Literally the most awkward situation I have ever been in
Bring me your tired, your weary, your buffalo chicken dip
Ugh. It's days like these that make me wish my bad habits would kill me faster
You chipped your front tooth on the toilet bowl. Should I call your dentist?
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