I just peed in my kitchenbs sinlk. New low- maybe. am i embarrassed? Not in the least
I'm towing my little brother down the road on a sixty year old tractor, we're taking up the whole highway, and no one cares. I love South Dakota.
it's like everything I expected to see tonight all put together in one at once
that is the greatest description ever
Blind date just said "Can't wait till I'm married so i can let myself go". There will be no second date.
Dude you spent the last hour of the night in the bathroom crying, asking someone why you will never be as smart as Mr.Feeney from boy meets world.
You are the sheppard guiding my vagina away from horrible decisions.
I just wanna not walk straight. Is that too much to ask for?
We interrupt your regularly scheduled Saturday morning programming with this important announcement: you are not the father. I repeat not the father. Congratulations and have a nice day.
She just kept introducing me to people by telling them which of their friends I've fucked
The plan was to get laid... Now the plan is to survive.
I'll be home next weekend. Its mothers day. Let's party just enough so we are frightened it might be our first
She said, after pronouncing how sober she was, and I quote 'Take this bag, it's so heavy it's like 500 degrees! Wait, is it time to go? Can I run? I think I can run!' Then she ran away.
My only regret this past weekend is abusing only 3 substances when I could have done so much more.
Apparently mr clean magic erasers don't clean blood off the ceiling
My ex's new gf is pregnant and he is sterile, so 2016 is starting off well.
Randomize
