you know you're not getting laid when you start breaking awkward silences with quotes from Robot Chicken
you should probably quit with the whole "no homo" thing, especially when you are drunk, "mo homo"gives the wrong impression.
sperm doesn't mix with malibu too well
I woke up to a topless girl handing me a blunt. Candidate for greatest wake-up ever?
I wish there was a non slutty way to ask the guys across the hall if i can copy their men's bathroom key so I have one for my one night stands
Its official. I've reentered slutty territory. I was a condom away from having sex in a childs playhouse at a park. Oh and I lost my car keys.
We got the possum out of our house. We built a maze with our empty kegs and chased it with brooms.
I know my whole body feels like I belly flopped onto concrete. Seriously need to tone it down for a while
I would of joined had I not blacked out last night and ran around naked breaking things till 4 am
Great. Now I have to produce, edit and leak a sex tape before Saturday. Fundraising is hard.
i have never been so sexually frustrated as I am right now. I feel like dying...is death an option?
That was a very uncomfortable conversation to have without pants on. But his mom was pretty cool about it.
Watching the Walking Dead, snuggled up naked, and drinking a beer. No better way.
If ever there was a tweet to describe your life, it's this.
I had to rename my dildo. I met a little kid who named his teddy bear the same name. It just felt wrong.
He shit with the door open. I think that means we are in a realtionship.
Randomize
