I told him we couldn't have sex because I was ovulating and "I come from fertile people."
I just want you to know that if I ever had to fight man eating flowers or flying turtles to save my friends they'd be fucked. No one's worth all that bullshit. PS I really need to stop playing Wii while drunk.
i wish i could tell you the night didnt begin with me drinking alone
The tent wall coming unstaked in the wind and hitting me in the face really sobered me up
alcohol. turning childhood friends into awkward hookups since the dawn of civilization.
"thanks for the sex" was written in lipstick on my bathroom mirror. i'm officially done with random hook ups.
Bought two parrots for us. I'm keeping them at the Bellagio.
There's always time for handjobs
His daughter is our waitress. I left her a ten dollar 'I'm sorry I'm a whore and fucked your dad' tip...
You know your high, when your chugging applesauce out of the jar with no utensils.
That's totally the Emoji for "just ran into some girl who knows I know she had an abortion"
We were in the middle of a serious discussion about social justice and he pulled sequins out of his teeth and kept talking like nothing had happened.
im glad to be known as "the girl you had sex with on a golf course"
drunk and crying about Shakespeare- how's your night?
It's like the hunger games, but we're gonna bone each other instead of kill each other
Randomize
