I Bought a bracelet with bible characters and a charm broke. the virgin mary one. Do you think it's a sign?
You want to go to a white party at LAX
Clubs are lame especially themed ones. Im not in a fucking episode of laguna beach
Banned from zoo.
Again?
I don't have any food so I made a martini so I could eat the olives. Don't tell me I can't think outside the box.
I am not saying a eulogy for your vibrator.
I had to take the fire extinguisher from him. He was just sitting on the floor petting it.
totally just got a week extension on my midterm by telling my prof that I had just found out I was adopted
Sometimes I'm jealous of turtles because they can just go to their homes whenever they want by putting their heads in their bodies.
How high are you?
Can't wait to bequeath this flannel to my grandchildren someday.
'I've been using this to pick up lesbians since before you were born!'
How do we stop her downward spiral?
Wine. For us.
I can't decide if this outfit makes me look like a pirate. I also can't decide if I care if it does.
Trust me. My dick only does selfies for you.
And pointless. I'm fully vested in all my calories coming from booze today. The salad just fucks that shit up
Ever look at an ex and wonder...was I drunk that entire relationship??
Yes, yes I do.
There's a guy in a plaid shirt running around asking everyone if they want to head butt him
Randomize
