I'm not unpopping my collar. This shirt is too expensive to crease.
you left him a drunk voicemail of you singing speechless by lady gaga balling your eyes out
So I just bought underwear that says "I'm taken." Just know that when I cheat on my bf with you, that's what I'm wearing
just so you're aware of it in the morning: you tried to slide down the railing on a snuggie. twice.
She said my dick tasted like a junior mint. Ive decided im using this soap the rest of my life
how many lesbians have to have their hearts broken before they realise I am not that kind of DJ
This election needs to be over, im tired of girls asking who im going to vote for mid hookup
Is this the 6 foot tall blonde I screwed in the bar last weekend?
In the bar?! Very impressive! But keep guessing!
But seriously. What possible excuse could I come up with to ditch my parents on Christmas to go fuck him?
is it weird that our first time having sex was makeup sex?
I'm abstinent now
Oh, is this one of the times when you're serious?
There's a potato with a bite taken out of it in the kitchen
so i might have slept on your bathroom floor last night...
OMG OMG OMG Ive hit the penis jackpot
It seriously took everything in my power not to sleep with him
What did it come out and serenade you? Lol
It sang to me in the dark. It was magical
You’re not his type
I’ve got blonde hair and great tits. I’m every man’s type
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