Hello Stephanie, you need to come pick me up at Par Blvrd correctional facility and bring $750-$1000 for bail. I just got a DUI. Thank you.
What!?!?! How are you txting?!
Because this is Officer Reynolds, and I just arrested your boyfriend.
i would hope so, cause i don't think 'i drove off the road because i was getting some head' is covered in insurance
I think i blacked out...but i remember licking your teeth
Desperately trying not to throw up over the side of the ferry back to CT. Can't be the first one of the season.
i love all of you. Physical. Emotional. Mental. All of it. When we speak i feel like a feather or a dragon depending on the conversation ...
I'm taking a new approach to homewrecking... for science. Or I totally would. I have to see what happens between my ex & his brother when he finds out.
I ate goldfish off your shoulder, I think we had bigger issues
New drinking game. Every time Romney and Santorum switch leads, take a shot.
....this is what your political science major is getting you?
Just ran into her dad at the strip club. He bought me a dance. I think i found a winner.
Is it bad that I feel proud to be the first one to puke in the apartment? And I did it in style?
You straight up painted the counter with steak, tequila and beer. You owe me a knew toothbrush.
All I want to do is get high and needlepoint. Fuck your judgement
You puked on yourself, then demanded to take shower. In which you kept saying "its raining"
I came and sneezed at the same time. Words can't describe how awesome it was.
after that bj i gave him, i could fucking punch his mom and he wouldn't give a shit
I resent the implication of a jizz addiction
Randomize
