Let's hear it for middle of the street handjobs ladies and gentlemen
I might get fired at work today. I had to prioritize. It's not my fault Cockasaurus came over.
There was a lot of him and a little penis
im gonna put my furry chinchilla vagina on her mother effing nose
idk if you're aware of this...but we could potentially have the greatest hate sex...ever.
I need to stop having one night stands with guys in my building so I can have someone to borrow milk from without it being awkward
That kid who fell through your coffee table is here. In a toga.
Ok so in the last 18 months I have now driven four different dudes into counseling. I'm like heroin with a vagina.
It started with jello shots. It ended with tears.
All I know is that I woke up with my pajamas on inside out in front of a bowl of watered down kd. Sitting up. I didn't even make it to bed.
Just broke into a house and crawled through a window. Upside: getting laid.
I'm in Florida in a retirement community the fuck am I supposed to do but watch tv and disgrace Jesus
Sara can't come to the phone right now. She's currently having an in-depth conversation with a flower pot.
RICK BROUGHT THE HOT BARTENDER HOME. SOMEONE CALL THE FIRE DEPARTMENT, CUZ RICKYS ON FIIIIIIIRE.
lmao nvm she punched him in the face and left
You shoulda seen me try and clean up custard from an eclair off the floor while trying to pretend to be sober for my mom. Fucking hilarious.
Randomize