I'd steal beers with my tail. If I were a monkey.
He didn't speak any English, but I think I caught the word turtle in there somewhere.
Why would he say turtle mid-fuck?
Dude, this is like the 4th time today I've had to use cruise control for a 25mph zone. This hangover is never fucking gonna end.
Tell me not to purchase 500 ball pit balls and a kiddy pool
No
Every girl my sister has brought home from college I've had sex with, check and mate motherfucker
You should have totally come, I started watering down vodka with cider. I have lost the sense of taste.
No dude, I'm not naming my kid after your beard
Our DD has become famous. Strippers are asking to be handcuffed to him.
I was on all fours trying to empty the bowl we smoked into the sewer when your neighbor came out, but besides that it went smoothly
When I go out tonight I need to make sure to be really good. The Easter bunny doesn't deliver to jail
He was so high he started playing Twister on the striped rug. Then when we missed midnight he went on a screaming rampage about his New Year's Eve being meaningless. How do you think it went?
How do you politely tell a guy that you only kissed him so he would shut the fuck up?
Stop calling me, Mom. I'm in his closet. You're gonna blow my cover and I'm about to catch this lying SOB.
I didn't have anyone to cheers so I tapped my beer on your fish tank... a little too hard
I can't be held responsible for what I do for you after a blowjob like that.
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