We are surrounded by old people. Heavens waiting room for sure.
I can't believe the cop was so cool about the whole thing, I mean, I had man mayo all over my jeans.
It was so delicious I was introducing it to people. Guy from my psych class was like "This is my girlfriend, Erica," and I was like, "This is my milkshake, Oreo."
I hate nights where "I found my underwear" can be considered a victory.
I think I'm finally maturing. I'm happy he found someone. Good for him. I sincerely hope she doesn't choke on his tiny penis.
Beer lympzucs are ki7lling me
This time, try to not get fingered in the middle of the living room.
I DIDNT GET FINGERED
I was rubbed
She's got a butler. A fucking butler. Shes like batman, but with a better ass.
you said you would race him to taco bell but you slipped in the parking lot and just laid there, crying
I think Saturday night will always be a mystery to me, except for buying an excessive amount of birthday shots for everyone and yelling BIRTHDAY SHOTS before every shot.
I'd cum for enchiladas.
No no no he wouldn't talk to me before I showed his best friend how good I am at twerking
I gave his daughter swim lessons and in exchange he sold me an ounce. I feel so accomplished.
My phone has started autocorrecting "monogamy" to "monogamish"
I think I just received the most dignified proposition of my life. From the father of the bride. Who'd have thought.
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