Let's get naked and see who's stronger.
ya ever know whats down there. always send some fingers in first to scout the situation. fingers are not used for pleasure. they're used for covert missions.
I wish my grandma would stop using the phrase "he pulled out" when she's talking about her contractor quitting his job.
It was all fun and games until Tim shit on the end table
My new sobriety test is "how many times do I have to attempt to put toothpaste on my brush"... It takes a while.
There are drunk kids outside our building hugging that cop that's always on his bike as he's citing them for public drunkenness. It's not even 11 am.
Also I climbed atop a mailbox with a toilet paper hat and a wolverine claw made of glowsticks, screaming at passers-by that they were going to die. Control me
Also I fell in love w a girl dressed as a pirate that was great at doing the limbo
I just did a drunk experiment to find out what it looks like when you turn a burner on the stove on while wearing night-vision goggles. I may be blind in my right eye now.
"I'm looking more at his dick bulge." Never thought I'd hear those words come out of my boyfriend's mouth.
If she's over 40, she won't believe you if you say " I'm only going to put the head in"
We set around a table in a hotel room and he spoon fed Molly to everyone there... I felt sketch for sec but then... Oh well.
Come home, I'm drunk on the porch and pretending to smoke breadsticks like cigarettes. Enticing, right?
I really need to stop having sex.. I haven't been able to get a brush through the back of my hair for a good week and a half
This is getting exciting. I almost wanna turn off all the lights, get some popcorn, and stare at my phone screen to see if she's going to say yes or not
And on a much sadder note, I'm way to drunk for this right now
Randomize
