how was your night?
well, i just purchased 'sorry for being a drunk whore' cupcakes. how do you think my night was?
My phone now changes "me" to "mrrrrrrrrh", thank you new years.
I found her under my bed eating airplane pretzels.
Thank you, bloody toiletpaper I found in the hamper. I was worried that today was going to be boring.
i thought they made a 7-hour walmart run, but they were actually in jail.
Today's dinner table topic: the probablity of my dad turning gay if he ever left my mom.
His morals are debatable, but his heart or perhaps his penis is in the right place.
His penis is crooked. Right place? Maybe he starts there, but then he slants.
I feel like as your wife, as cool with your decision-making skills as I usually am, there should be a bigger explanation to you adopting a child while I'm in Houston.
IM FEEDING MY CAT ALL THE HAM
I don't think the TSA would be too happy. Who knows if three ounces of lube will be enough for us?
Any idea why the fuck i would replace all the music on my ipod with the fucking Goosebumps theme song?!?
Apparently drunk you is really nostalgic?
Somehow reaching for the flaming hot cheetos ended up in the best sex of my life
I already plan to donate my brain to science so they can attempt to fully understand the complexities of my existence
not only was there glitter in the toilet after i peed, but there was some on the toilet paper after i wiped. this cant be healthy.
but next to his bed he has a bible, and on the bible he has a pbr coaster and a condom. how can i stay mad at that? Its amazing.
Randomize
