I finally got laid.. you said it wouldn't happen.
Well we were just driving down the street, there was a realtor and a couple walking up the porch of a house for sale, mark sticks his head out, opens his mouth to say something, pukes all down the side of the car, pauses, and yells "THIS IS A PHENOMAL NEIGHBORHOOD YOURE GONNA LOVE IT"
Definitely just said "no homo" to our gay waiter at Cheesecake Factory...our service has steadily declined since.
also found a pic of my head in the microwave from the other night.. hmm
Well good for him for getting your number before he told you he had no money and needed you to pay for his drink!
There's a dead squirrel in the freezer. Is that what you stopped to get out of the road last night?
It's like rock paper scissors. Cold showers and smoking beat hangovers.
We are not in a rock band. We can't continue living like this.
I woke up in an apt hallway this morning and a nice lady brought me coffee cause she thought I was homeless
yo knit me an eyepatch. but also make it usable as a thong
He sent me nudes and I told him he reminded me of Buffalo Bill.
It's now officially the Christmas season, so I have no shame in drinking evernog.
Ok so I need a recap of last night...
YOU SPENT SIX DOLLARS AT NICKEL BEER NIGHT!!! How's that
I gave him a hand job in the parking lot... now he thinks we're meant for each other...
Why the fuck is Ian Naked eating string cheese in my guest bedroom?
Randomize
