go do what you do best...puke behind churches
This is your typical "sorry i got drunk and tried to seduce you into having sex while you were throwing up" text.
My new sobriety test is "how many times do I have to attempt to put toothpaste on my brush"... It takes a while.
hey, do you know how many packets of jello it takes to turn a handle of vodka into slutty girls?
Our idea of a "deep conversation" was successfully forming complete sentences.
She's using our floating beer pong table as an air mattress to sleep on.
Dear god how many nuts did u bust in me my vagina feels like a bowl of jello.
I swear, the cow we tried to tip tried to eat me. and all I could think was, oh how the tables have turned. worst trip ever
I just got a lecture from your coked out sister about the monetary value of Dothraki hair braids. Take her home.
I just asked him what would happen if my boobs fought crime. I think I'm cut off.
I shit like a lady though so that rarely happens
You're going to replace me with a robot made of heating blankets and a vibrator?
It was a fun night. I made out with the door guy at the gay bar but he didn't speak english
There was no door guy at the bar
You sent me a very drunk love letter
Was it the one about pterodactyls?
I was disappointed I thought you actually loved me
I think there is cocaine on my toothbrush.
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