Facebook is asking me which Pokemon I'd be. Is there one whose only moves are gay sex and reading Adrienne Rich?
Michael Jackson had a heart attack when he found out boyz to men was a music group not a delivery service.
the only thing i remember last nigh is talking to some chick for thirty minutes about cheese.
She kept saying my hands are a cupcake factory
I don't know what you're talking about but its dick galore in the tub. We will be getting poked tonight. Bring forks.
looking at that huge scar on my leg from when i got drunk at 9 AM and walked into a grill. so excited for football season to start again!
Have the decency to NOT HANG YOU'RE USED CONDOM ON THE FOOSEBALL HANDLES! Dickhead.
I opened my door to find him standing there with vodka, McDonalds, a smile and a hard-on. Of course I let him in.
for me, it's working out the tricky timing of the Viagra and nightly laxative.
oh my god I have a fantastic druncle story to tell you. It involves a burrito, a meltdown and a bear
The burrito and meltdown are standard, but I'm intrigued by the bear
Every little girl dreams of the day when she picks up her fuck buddy because he's drunk at the gay bar again.
masturbating on the freeway is more stressful than it sounds
the bright side of moving is at least my Tinder options will refresh
I took a pregnancy test at Pancheros a bit ago.
I mean, he’s listed as “Andrew DC Threesome” in my phone. THATS HOW I REMEMBER HIM! How is that not the start of a fairytale?
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