I'm pretty sure a girl doesn't give it up with a reverse cow girl...
One of the mothers are the party said to me "All your friends are getting married, you're just getting drunk"
You coming out tonight? We gotta hang out before I move to Madison. BTW I'm moving to Madison.
We started snorting MDMA at 3 in the afternoon...it was never going to end well.
I seem to remember you being very disappointed that drinking Michelob Ultra didn't give you magic powers.
Im blasting "Fat Bottom Girls" as loud as humanely possible in attempts that old ladies doing water aerobics will take the hint and get the fuck out of the pool.
I AM SUCH A BETTER PERSON ON DRUGS
Most of the bar is playing trivia I'm playing destroy a relationship in twenty questions
somehow he and i always have our deepest conversations after phone sex.
My boobs are feeling quite sensitive so I told them, " you is smart, you is kind, you is important" that should do the trick.
I had a dream about a vibrator with 42 different settings. If that's not a good indication I need to get laid, I don't know what is
We fucked so hard that when I orgasmed I tore his towel rack off the wall. He was more impressed than mad.
I don't care if my next phone has to run on the blood of virgin koala bears, I don't want to be scrambling for a charger.
Shit. My boss is having me meet and greet with the new doc upstairs. Do you think his doctor powers will detect that I'm still high?
I just checked and if you bring a picture of your ex they will shred it and give you a free 'hater shot'. Would it be too much to print off one of their wedding pictures and bring it?
I really love that you're not going the 'why am I not married and having a kid yet?' route, but rather 'thank god I dodged that bullet'
Randomize