I went to check the drunk texts i sent last night but my phone deleted them already. Even my phone is ashamed.
So I went outside my house this morning and basically my entire front lawn is covered in gummi bears... I think that involves you guys.
you went around grabbing cigarettes out of peoples mouths and claiming you were curing cancer.
So from the residue on my balls I think it was mashed potatoes she had in her mouth
please promise me that no matter what happens you will keep me away from the children
No, i will not have sex with him again. It felt like he was trying to bulldoze his way through me. My vagina is on strike.
Dear female. Happy valentines day. If you have not had the pleasure of making love to me, please do not fret, I will get around to it soon enough. If you indeed have made love to me, then bravo, wasn't that grand! Perhaps we should do it again? Regardless, have a good day. This has been a public service announcement. Rock on.
Did you really lure me out of the bar with a blond holding a dunkin donuts bag? Well played sir, well played.
I don't really want to have sex with him, I'd just want him in a threesome. Does that make sense?
i'm about to be the still-drunkest person on the ellipticals
He ordered a meatball sub with a side of meatballs.
I woke up not knowing what state I was in. Turns out, people from Deleware are pretty helpful.
There might be a dead possum in your bed, your roomate is extremely distressed!
I didn’t want to see that boob. I told her not to show me but she said “no, I’m going to show you”
i have officially smoked myself stupid. went to wally world to buy soap and toothpaste but got 4 potpies and 2 dessert pies instead. fail.
Randomize
