Soap is not a condiment
Going to spend my cab money on more shots and just take the ambulance home
ed mcmahon, farrah fawcett, and michael jackson all in one week. What next god, are you juts gonna take my penis too?
My life has literally become a dickpocolypse. Thank you, summer, I missed you.
you handled that situation with as much grace as someone puking involuntarily could
you realize that if you hadn't mouthed "we're getting laid tonight", i wouldn't have woken up with your ex this morning. just sayin
Do you remember some guy walking around the club saying "boner patrol" and smacking people in the dick?
Yeah, that was you
Only you would have to block the fucking governor of Tennessee from reading your tweets
It's that time of night again when I start to think I'm really funny, but no one else is as drunk as I am so they all start avoiding me.
OH MY GOD IT'S LIKE SHOOTING FISH IN A BARREL, EXCEPT INSTEAD OF FISH THEY ARE FIGHTER PILOTS
If you're mature enough to fuck him you're mature enough to tell him you don't want a relationship come on
As soon as the clock wound down to zero, she declared "HALF-TIME HEAD" and pulled down my pants. After the swallow, she said "BEER CHASER," got me a new one, and asked if she could make me a sandwich. Pretty sure she's lobbying hard for a ring.
I need to stop getting picked up at 3 am by my friends parents. This is the second time this week. I'm a grown man.
i just woke up from a 4 hour nap, still drunk, to make mac n cheese.
So naked ping pong was a mistake... Looks like we were attacked by an octopus.
Randomize
