Soo i just shotgunned a water balloon...
Your dad touched me again.
New years is officially the only time its okay to drunk dial your parents.
Mango bong: no go. Guava bong: sweet flaming buddha it was delicious. I shall teach you the ways of tropical fruit trees.
Um...any recollection of peeing in the pantry
Also we saw a clown getting arrested. Rochester is weird.
I made my own utility belt like Batman. It has a cup holder for my beer, cell phone holder, a little pocket for condoms, and a sewing kit just in case.
you did that thing you do when youre drunk where you rant about bruce springsteen, start hooking up with someone and then pass out midway through
He sent me a picture of a gas station condom and said "we probably shouldn't use this but if I was to impregnate someone on accident I'd want it to be you"
Thinking about wearing all black to the bar tonight since I'll be attending my liver's funeral.
I am at 99 matches in less than 24 hours, I need a tinder rehab program
Come over so I can fuck you louder than her country music
There's nothing classy about a pregnant girl at a frat party...remember that.
You don’t need a wing man if you have a solid hook up on the pumpkin pie
I am watching the most amazing drunk person ever. Literally such a trooper that you can put anything in front of him he'll drink it. His latest reason for taking another shot was: well whatever. I'm never gonna get married anyway.
Randomize
