Funniest shit happened at the grocery store. This kid kept asking his mom for candy over and over and she told him 'daddy said no' and he screamed 'he isn't my dad' so loud everyone in the store was silent it was awesome.
if another girl says "im usually cleaner down there" I'm just going to shoot myself
i just recognized the girl sitting across from me from a lesbian porno... should i ask for an autograph?
You know its a good sign when a girl asks who everyone is AFTER she flashes her tits to the room.
they still hired me even though my background check came back with a warrent for my arrest.
I just tried to eat one of my ear plugs, thinking it was a cheese curl. I need it to be break RIGHT NOW.
Someone want to explain the bottle of ranch I found in my pants
I threw up in the darkest corner of the bar last night, then watched 2 girls freak out in disgust after walking through it. I then realised I puked on the dancefloor, took a picture and proceeded to send it to my mom.
I was going through my settings and the phone randomly started playing "Crazy Little Thing Called Love" by Dwight Yoakum. Out loud. At full volume. I was shitting. There were 3 other people in the bathroom. I love iOS 7.
I don't care how hot she was, she wouldn't stop singing "Shut Up and Dance", instant boner-killer.
i'm 99% sure they had an orgy while i was passed out
Do you think you could cook pancakes while i blow you?
I'm just going to assume my unresponsive booty calls are just preparing for the women's march tomorrow
You sealing the pinky promise with a shot was much better than just kissing it
You kept shouting about how you were the king of all bitches...and doors, for some reason.
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