dude you need to get laid
me?
no, the other guy who hasn't been laid in 7 months
oh I thought you were talkin about me
wait
bio was interesting today. swabbed my mouth to see what the cells where, ha. found a sperm cell. he was just that awesome
I left a cheeto on everyone's car trailing to the house i'm at, hanzel and gretel style.
i'm reaslly not drunk enough to wtch the fat lesbian on my floor brng another fat lesbian dressed up as a bloody nurse into her room at 2am
It probably isn't a good idea to go home with last night's hookup's brother. And sister.
Probably is probably an understatement.
I don't judge her for getting booty calls at 2 in the morning, so she can't judge me for staying in friday nights and putting spray cheese on pringles.
hey give me heads up if you're feeling vulnerable tomorrow night
Did you like my voicemail? Sounded like I was being murdered, right?
By a pack of ravenous dildos
That guy is like a clown car of sexy. Just when I think I've seen it all, THERE'S MORE.
AND SOME IN THE TRUNK.
No dude, he just dipped his cigarette info ranch dressing and lit it. He's said he normally doesn't do that but it's Memorial Day.
Talking to him sober hurts my brain
day drinking caused me to be in bed at a decent time. can't complain.
Painting strippers breast and vaginas to look like easter eggs. What r u doing tonight.
In between explaining the best feminist lenses for the myth of Persephone and doing vodka shots with my friends she dragged me into my car and gave me an Earth shattering blow job. Honestly I think I'm in love.
i sent him a picture of his friend's dick and told him he should really stop thinking he's my only option.
Randomize
