Is it sad i was sitting here thinkin how i would only fuck Rob Pattinson if he was glittery at said time.
My breakfast consisted of a slimfast and an adderal. My fridge is like an insecurity buffet.
Contrary to popular belief alot of woman do actually enjoy sucking cock.
you were crying because peter frampton wasnt your dad
I want a vodka facial right about now. I'm talking about straight vodka bukkake
There are 9 condoms on my bed either i met the greatest girl ever last night or something horrible has happened.
she woke me up with a blowjob, mickey mouse pancakes, a mugshot of my ex in county jail, and tequilla. Do you know if she fucked someone behind my back or did i win the vagina lottery?
she's sniffed three people's necks on the bus to see who the good smell was coming from...
she's gonna get diseases
I just did a line of coke with an Olympic bronze medallist. I guess we know why he only got bronze.
Also this guy fingered me at the bar and then gave me his card
But in fairness, I would totally have a robo-penis as long as it had full sensation.
I almost had sex at the fire station last night and I need you to acknowledge all the awesomeness that is in that sentence.
My first love was gay too, it's okay.
He’s only in town today and our afternoon sex sesh kept getting interrupted by the neighbor’s kid yelling and screaming in the pool
I bet he’d be surprised by the epic blow job he’d get if he stopped talking about his wife long enough for me to get in the mood
Randomize
