i'd like someone to explain to me why my clothes are all sticky. including my fanny pack. yes, this is a mass text.
Good thing you left when you did - ended up getting banned from jimmy johns.
just told my prof that "i dont give a fuck" about the final. nothing like a having a signed employment contract already
my professor just said "the power of the situation"
drink
Dear vodka that I hid in a water bottle in the backseat of Blairs car, I'm sorry that she gave you away to a man on side of the road with an over heated engine. I'm sure the car doesn't appreciate you as much as I would have.
Just gave my manager part of my viccodin stash-my job is basically secured forever.
I don't know what's worse, the fact that my parents own a sex swing or the fact that my little cousin was playing on it
Remind me if I threw up on you last night or if that was just a dream.
apparently putting your t-shirt on your head with a bottle of captain and telling girls your the pirate king of tallahassee doesn't work
The fun I thought I would be having now when I was six is vastly different from what I am currently doing. Hurraaay sex and vicodin.
If we can put a man on the moon, I'm sure we can turn a pringles can into a bong.
I just woke up on an unfamiliar floor, my shoes are gone, my suits covered in red lipstick and chocolate, and Im wearing sunglasses that say "Maid of Honor".God damnit I love this country.
LET US USE OUR GENITALS TO CELEBRATE THIS VICTORY
This is your morning-after text courtesy of your very confused friend!! :) To discuss "what the hell were you trying to tell me last night," press 1. To laugh over your drunken antics, press 2. To pretend like none of it even happened (or to respond with concurrent confusion because you have no idea), press 3.
And I had on a penis ring on the whole time at dinner. And I ate veal...
Randomize
