Jesus knows you're telling a lie.
Jesus stopped reading my text messages when I started drunk texting boys to hookup
Why does everyone think all I do is drink? I go to class on wednesdays
i just put all of my beerlympics medals into my academic awards box. i would say they are my greatest achievement since college.
once you get past the part where you think youre gonna die, its the most amazing drug ive ever experienced.
Jim came in did 3 body shots of her she said "I like your tongue" and they left. I swear to god its deja vu he's done it before
Swear to god this chicks brother got let out of jail for the weekend for the sole purpose of cock blocking me
He gave me twenty cool ranch tacos and declared, drunk, " Look, I do good"
Cant really say how it happened but i woke up in the middle of the night and somehow pissed all over connors dad
bought a large fruitopia from McDonalds at 7:45 this morning. Spilled it on the ground. Cried. THAT hungover.
I can't decide which is better: the sex, or remembering that I have ice cream in the freezer after he left
You are attracted to power and since you can't date the married old guy you have to go for the next best thing - his gay son
Plus you get to call him out on being a dick. It's more satisfying than ever sex I've ever had.
Hold on I'll be right there, I can't find my arm.
I was not drunk enough for that final.
I was so drunk I got motion sickness from sex.
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