I can text with my tongue
oh so you have enough money for the third eye blind concert but not enough for the morning after pill?
do you want me to make hamburgers?
i'm vegan
i'll put lettuce on them
I think I found my soulmate. This guy in front of me is yelling about getting laid while holding two beers and texting. I think this is love.
you kept spraying the cat with water and then telling it to "man up" when it cried
I'm sitting on the patient chair, waiting for my vagina to be violated & "i don't want to miss a thing" has been playing on repeat. WHY IS THIS HAPPENING TO ME.
could you please explain to me why my jumper cables are on my bedroom floor?
I'm supposed to be studying for finals but all I can think about is blowing him on a sea doo this summer
I have tan lines from my nipple rings.
When she says 'Polish hangover cure' she just means more vodka. Don't do it.
It makes me feel all patriotic & free... And borderline diabetic.
Another guy on Tinder just asked about "the hotter girl" in my pictures. I fucking hate being your friend.
Sorry you saw me having sex with your brother on the beach
alright well you definitely hurt his feelings though you told him he looked like he was going to an Amish community prayer meeting..
yeah i ran into him at the bar at 11pm. he started talking about engineering and the next thing i know it's 4am and i'm naked on top of him.
Randomize
