Note to self: When getting ready to leave with a kid in a wheelchair don't say Let's roll
The look your mother gives you when she sees you masterbating on web cam is unlike any I've seen before, but this is a case where, I would say, ignorance is bliss.
you kept screaming i cant feel my vagina, it kinda killed the mood.
just put an icicle in the bong. best/worst idea ever. i think i can taste global warming right now.
My vagina is depressed thinking about her future.
You convinced her to break up with her boyfriend, made out with her all night, got her to buy us all shots then went home with a different girl...
That explains the "i hate you" text. But the facebook deletion is a bit harsh
Well on the plus side I have started adding benefiber to my bottle of wine
Do you think it's illegal to work at a bar if you're on probation for a DUI? I need a night job where I can meet men.
He may only be 25% black, but after that sexual experience I am 100% never going back.
You're 34. You can't make guys wait till the third date anymore. Step it up!
Somewhere out there, on several phones belonging to strangers, exists a video of me rapping Baby Got Back on stage in four inch heels that I stole from the drag queen. Also I made out with the chick with the octopus tattoo.
You have the best birthdays
Passing out drunk in my therapists lobby may not be the best way to confirm my "stability"
I'm just now starting to feel better... I remembered sleeping on the floor. I was peeing and saw his rug and it looked so comfy
Everyone should just give me a copy of their keys. I take your dog out and I bring beer.
I've finally become one of those chicks with a taco in her purse.
Randomize
