I wish costco sold astroglide.
i wish my brain was less awake, and didn't try and picture what you were talking about.
Dude, Her having kids just means she puts out.
Check if I'm alive tomorrow. If not, tell my parents I died happy and that there's a gay cheerleader in the spare bedroom
he drove an hour to get eggs with me not even a blow job, just eggs.
Do you think he woke up this morning, looked at you, and then regretted everything?
She definitely pulled a diaper out of her purse and cleaned up the vodka with it, where do you meet these people?!
AND I JUST GOT FUCKING DAUGHTER ZONED. NO. I'M DONE. I HATE BOYS. ASEXUALITY HERE I COME.
Driving home this morning in my minion costume makes me rethink the 0 tint on my windows.
I just shotgunned a beer and my lipstic didnt BUDGE. MERICUHH
Just text him and be like do you want this pussy or not. You have three seconds to respond.
Btw...refried beans is a terrible thing to throw up.
I think I’ve reached sophomore-year-level of bad ideas
and you know that’s the highest possible level because it’s when I met you
I just crop dusted the hot FedEx guy delivering my business cards...then asked him "Was that you?" How the fuck am I allowed to be an adult?
Woke up at my x's house. He said I talked about how much I love panda's for fourty five minutes. Then made him watch The Little Mermaid with me. Made the walk of shame infront of his mom. Things can only really go up from here.
Wait till you get home.
I think even the taco bell employees judged me
Randomize
