Ok let's jusst not talk today bc then we'll just do dangerous things but I'll say hello
I wish I had a dollar for every time I've slept off a late night I dont want to remember in my recliner.
24 hour fitness called offering me a free trial stating that you referred them to me. I told them you have been taking pics of naked guys in the locker room and selling them online.
That's not a bad idea, actually...
He's pole dancing on a heat lamp.
I'm sorry I kept calling last night when you wouldn't pick up. I'm REALLY sorry I sang "You Oughta Know" on more than 4 voice mails.
i had to take off my light up shamrock necklaces, my professor was getting suspicious.
Both his mom and his sister were hitting on me when I stopped by today. He isn't a real friend anyway, right?
Gong!
YOU'RE MARRIED NOW YOU CAN'T KEEP GONGING ME WHEN YOU GET LAID IT DOESN'T COUNT
Tis the season to puke in grandma's bathroom
Don't be alarmed at the kitchen mess. I had to shoot the fire extinguisher on the toaster oven, one quick blast. It was a matter of safe over sorry.
We were in the hot tub...he ate the pizza pocket directly out of my mouth
I have invented a new game to play on campus. It's called "Mormons or Pledges?" It's fantastic.
The difference between 22 and 28 is bigger than I realised. I had the urge to put on Spongebob and give him a cookie.
There is a woman in the stall next to me giving a pep talk to her daughter that wants to call off her wedding. I'm afraid to pee!
She never came back from the bathroom so I went to look for her... I was in my room and heard this rustling. And she was in my closet petting ties.
Randomize