I'm not looking forward to the waking up early part. Or actually the wedding part. Or the reception part. But I am looking forward to the meaningless sex with some random guy I meet at the reception part.
The university put out a message about those missing salt and pepper shakers... You should at least give back 60 of them.
So can I buy you a drink sometime?
Sure, but make it a double, I'm drinking for two these days.
my three year anniversary of no dick sucking is coming up. you can throw me a party with a penis cake.
I like to think of it as a lesbian feast.
I love your family. Oh. And on a completely unrelated note, I know where we can steal a dog.
I just look @ having a child spit on you as another form of birth control. I think my ovaries just tied themselves in a knot.
You can see my drunken state get worse with each picture
I just woke up on my neighbors floor with my boots on, but no pants. I have 3 separate taco bell receipts in my pocket.
he left a full can of coors light underneath my windshield wiper, like a love note. if that's not husband material, i don't know what is
You need to be on (or possibly create) the international emoji committee to address all of these glaring oversights
Just threw up in the trash can at my desk. I guess "beating the hangover" eventually leads to this.
Rain drop, shock top, drinking can't stop stop
She grinded so hard on my face that I've got rugburn on both eyelids
I'm covered in bruises and scratches. I dont know whether to call them battlescars or sex decals
Randomize
