Hello, balls-out mistake. It's been a while.
He could be your dad!
We discussed that right before he asked for my number
Just puked in the monkey exhibit at the zoo. They ate it. I don't want a pet monkey anymore.
I sat alone in Buffalo Wild Wings eating chocolate cake on Country Western karoake night. The waiter asked me if I was ok. Twice.
whoooo knowwsss what george of the jungle juice is but i feel like im in the promised land
Even my vagina gasped.
you know it takes a lot for me to use utensils conservatively
I am sitting here. Drinking from a bottle of vodka. Eating shredded cheese from a bag and waiting on him to pick me up after he finishes with his girlfriend. This is what dreams are made of.
That hot shower felt like it washed away all of my problems... Except being pregnant... Ps just found out I'm pregnant. Fuck.
My roommates call me "Queen of the Skanks" I guess that means I've had a successful first month of college.
So, I had a dream last night that involved you as an actual cloaked Captain America and a lot of weird sex, and I didn't hate it.
You are in my phone as "Thigh Gap" and you apparently work for "DO NOT DRUNK TEXT, INC." That is why I called you six times last night. So unless you take a second job at "NO DRUNK DIALING LLC" expect more. PS I am sober so this is legit.
Do u have any idea how hard it is to masturbate in a CVS bathroom when your name is being called over the speakers to pick up a prescription for painkillers?
We are horrible
Yeah but we're also awesome
I tried to cut you?! I'm sorry! PS where's my hair?
Randomize
