i got your date sluuuuuuut pick up my calls or else hes mine
she left her pants. im pretty sure she grabbed mine on accident. im like 9 man sizes bigger than her. wtf
We need to find a way to make penises more like hookahs.
Can you put "designated driver" on a resume?
I literally stabbed myself so I had a valid reason to get out of having sex with her
Best idea ever: Giving hobos a beer and having a chugging contest to win another beer. Most fun I have had downtown in a while.
Well I say she's a whore. All four of her kids have different last names.
BUT, one is Johnson and the other is Johnston. She gets some credit for that
He left me a five minute voicemail apologizing for chasing me with a meat beater. I'm actually not sure what that means.
I broke his nose at the bar and he still went home with me.
7:26 bus just came. I am sweatier than Louie Anderson eating chili in a sauna
Fuck you and your widespread penis snapchat
i just watched a 7 minute video on people making a hot air balloon for their dog and i am a changed person
Woke up, bank account is empty. Sock is still full of blood. Nothing in my pockets but a wireless mic and jenga pieces.
It was probably bad to sleep with someone just to pet his dog right?
wheres my face? and why is my pocket so big?
Randomize
