i don't know whats more disturbing, that his dog drooled directly into my mouth or that i was too drunk and tired to do anything except let it be there.
is her vagina suppost to smell like dirty taco bell?
do herpes really smell.
Her boobs were tiny. I could have used her bra as a blind fold. Which in hindsight would have made things a lot better.
i'm using my hot pot to make jello shots in a muffin tin. i'm never ever graduating.
somehow we got the entire party to start singing "ill make a man out of you" from mulan. needless to say, that kid had the best keg stand i'd ever seen.
i just realized the only form of arm exercise i get is holding my arms up in the stand up tanning booth
HE COULDN'T FIND IT! WHAT KIND OF QUARTERBACK CAN'T FIND IT?!
I could seriously attempt to try and saw my head in half with a butter knife cause im pretty sure it could not hurt any more than it already does
UPDATE: WE WILL BE HITTING THE BATMAN PINATA WITH A SWORD
This message brought to you by inappropriate slogans. Cotton candy, melting in your mouth like boners.
I bet my lungs hate me more than my liver
That's a hard toss up
I think I might be harboring a Canadian in my womb.
that's what I'm here for. I'm literally just bad advice mixed with motivational sentences.
Almost gave the delivery guy a 34 dollar tip. That high
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