So im going to watch Hocus Pocus in my footie pajamas... How am I in college?
Note to self: when drunk try to remember that ctrl, alt and dance doesnt exist on a keyboard.
eye of the tiger was playing while i pooped... it totally helped.
On my arm I have 12 dashes, and below is written "plus 2 pretty stout whiskey drinks, so, you be the judge"
He just called shotgun on the way to the squad car.
The guy I met last night said we had a real connection and gave me his AA coin because he met me during his relapse
Sorry I just took 4 pills about 20 minutes ago so I'm feeling like a claw machine like people tell me were I need to go and what to do and I'm just like yes sir so I get the teddy bear but I set it on fire and it's kinda black on one side and there might be smoke coming off it.
But seriously I don't know. I haven't seen her since I gave her back her 3 blind mice stick, and she just started hitting everybody with it.
I just realized now that you're pregnant we can't use alcohol as currency
When she said "Tighten your safety belt and hold on!", that should have been a clear sign to me that one should never go off-roading in a rental car. On the bright side, they were able to tow her car out the next morning.
I just realized how terrible that was... I was drumming on your penis to a song about Baby Jesus.
I just want him to go down on me while I eat a burger. Is that too much to ask?
I just matched the dude who's car I rear ended 2 years ago on tinder. I don't think he remembers.
just ran into my father at CVS while buying condoms...he winked at me. I really need to move out of this town.
Remember the Giant sandworm from the movie Dune? Well that's about how big his dick is. No bulshit.
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