Why is half of me covered in green stuff that won't come off?
You stripper-danced on a light pole in the quad. It had fresh paint on it.
she gave me a handjob while we were watching elf.... it's that time of year again!!
dude,it's memorial day.not getting wasted=you're a terrorist
you're letting him buy you a plane ticket...to kentucky...so you can fuck him?
i know. i'm only adding to the interstate sex trade problem.
I wish you would always start your sentences with "speaking of my clit..."
So many lesbians keep hitting on me. I'm about to give up and just go home with the manliest one.
Mom just Facebook checked into an Applebees at 2am. Caption: ''WITH THE BESTIEZ.''
I don't go on dates. I watch tv and play with dicks. dinner is a situation.
Look. You've gotta stop making this about you, and make it about my vagina.
Eating cold pizza and drinking a beer for breakfast while standing in a hotel window naked is how I say hello September...
I got drunken sympathy for the whales' plight last night and signed up to give $50 monthly to Greenpeace. Calling to cancel was worse than the hangover.
Hear that? That's the wail of a dying whale. Murderer.
I asked her why she was drunkenly masturbating to Iron Man and all she replied was "Robert Downey Jr". As far as excuses go, that seemed pretty legit.
fond memories of taking my pregnancy test here in this Burger King
well that's the third time this semester that I've projectile vomited walking to class in front of dozens of people
What better than a girl who loves jager, sexts like a champ and is down for t-bell at any hours of the night? oh wait, NOTHING.
Randomize
