did you get my message about your dog?
no... is he ok?
no, i didn't see him when i was being chased out of your house. check your drive way :( sry
you were convinced campus grass and foliage would give you your daily serving of vegetables to balance out the amount of alcohol you drank.
she might purposely get aids just to give it to you. I think she might hate you that much.
It got a little outta hand when you wanted to do body shots on the table.. at Dennys.. at 4 AM.. with lemonade
I think that the winner of this years fantasy football league should get naming rights to you child
Of course the first guy who sees my nipple piercings is a Catholic from Nebraska who won't do anything but dry hump me.
She's going to be the first to die of too much illness. Not even super bad stuff like cancer but like for having a cold at the same time as a sore throat and chlamydia or something. Just too much diseases.
I want to show up to tomorrow's study group looking like I got hit by a train. A train made of dicks.
Dude, you GARGLED with bleu cheese last night!
Can you have a quarter life crisis another time? I'm trying to masterbate.
Worst case: you're extra horny, have no control of your mouth or actions, and maybe murder someone. Child's play.
Mike Pence got the fuck boy eyes though
When do you estimate your next shower will be? Several people have asked.
I deserve a medal for being woke up at 6am on my day off by your mother asking where your brother is
So, I can officially cross "getting eaten out in a church confession booth" off my bucket list.
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